KISS WHAT??

A little...or should I say, a large tongue-in-cheek about all things KISS!!

Here's something for you Stones Fans....

Sir Mick Meets The KISSerwocky

Mick Jagger was just Knighted by the Queen of England, she said, "I dubya Sir Mick." Gene Simmons got a phone call from the White House, "I dubya, want you to represent America at the Olympics."
Mick won his honours for a quality tongue, Gene won his for quantity, that is the difference between the Brits and the Yanks.

Two carpenters, one guy and one girl, were putting up paneling in Gene's bedroom, and Gene overheard the argument about how to join the edges. The guy wanted to butt them, and the chick wanted tounge in groove. Gene settled the argument

Gene was at the Zoo one day, and was gazing absently at the elephant cage, the elephant recognized Gene and was looking expectantly back at him...waiting. When Gene snapped out of it, he was face to face with the beast. In a moment of fright, Gene stuck his tongue out, the elephant reached out his trunk and laughed saying, "What good is that, I can pick you up with my trunk." Gene smiled and said, "I can pick up at least 4600 women with my tongue."

Greyzone's Top 10 KISS Kasket Kwips:

(actually my friend Kwazi Mojo thought them up, I just 'borrowed' them. lol)

1. At a non-denominational burial, while lowering a KISS Kasket into the earth, the envious priest, mullah and rabbi thought to themselves. The priest, "Jerk!". The Mullah, "Infidel!". The rabbi, "Schmuck!".

2. 2 worms found their way a way into the KISS Kasket and were arguing who got the choice cut first. One said to the other, "Flip. Heads or tails?"

3. What does smoking and KISS Kaskets have in Kommon? They'll both put you 6" under.

4. What do KISS Kaskets and your bank manager calling your loan for said Kasket have in Kommon? They'll both put you 6' under.

5. What does the KISS Kased Deluxe Box Set have in Kommon with the KISS Kasket? They'll both put you 6' under!

6. The director of a funeral parlor phoned his secretary from a garage and as he asked her to make out a purchase order for a part, the hydraulic let out a 'hiss' prior to his saying "gasket'. When he received a bill for a KISS Kasket, it put him 6' under!

7. The auctioneer, when doing a household auction, announced the lot for the KISS Kasket, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this lot is one to kill for!"

8. When an exotic dancer was asked back to a patron's condo and saw a KISS Kasket in the bedroom she seductively said, "I do a mean Kiss of Death... WINK"

9. When the same patron's estranged mother-in-law happened to catch them inflagrante in the KISS Kasket she yelled," It's your funeral George!"

10. What does KISS koffins and KISS Kondoms have in Kommon? S.W.A.K. or Sealed With A KISS!!!

LOL Speaking of bunnies, Kwazi told me this one the other day:

"And then there was this bunnie that was into S&M who always fantasized getting a tongue lashing from Gene.

Then there was the time Gene had a physical and the doctor wanted to check his throat and asked him to open his mouth and say 'ah'. Gene sent him a bill for $750 bucks for the show! %-p

Actually it's all Kwazi's fault. He started it, and he is such a bad influence on me I just couldn't help my self. KISS humour can become very addicting!! I even swiped some of them and threw 'em at the Kissonline Bulletin Board.

Kwazi's KISS Kwip #2 Posted 12-9-2001 06:22

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OK Here's another one, this one's easier:

What did one frog say to another? And what happened next?

KwaziMojo
!!!BRRRRIIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGG!!! Posted 12-10-2001 04:17

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A WINNER!!

CLOSE ENOUGH! The word we were lookin for was "Kroak"!! And yes, the resulting happening, fisticuffs is a very mild way of putting it, almost finished in a near Koffin experience!

KwaziMojo
Yes, of course you won.... Posted 12-14-2001 02:10

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BUT, the prize is a shot of 'The Kiss of Death' with 7 UP or 6 Under, not Kokes &q kukes!

So answer this one and you can have yer Koke &q kukes.

What is the name of the group of musicians of this description: Teenage, overrated, pop rap, wannabe rock, suck &q drivel and win grammy awards??

You only get one clue:

What do you call the foot problem that KISS sometimes get from wearing those boots, a fungus thingy! >E}-)

MaDamMonkie
korn! Posted 12-14-2001 08:48

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That was too easy Grey, specially with the 'fungus' clue! ;-)

Thus begins my campaign on the KOL BB. Egged on by Kwazi, I lusted in the mayhem and carnage that I was inflicting on the 'Beast', but I was so close to being mindlessly lost. I commemorated my valiant and successful struggle to defeat the 'Beast', that I wrote the following very moving parody of one of KISS's battle songs, "Pledge Allegiance To The State Of Rock 'n Roll"!!

"I once was lost,
And now I'm saved..."
(Amazing Grace)

I was told if I wanted to integrate with the Borg...er, I mean Society again, I had to take the 12 Step Program. >]-p
Ahem....My name is Greyzone and....

I'm Addicted To This Board At Kssonline!
(I Pledge Allegiance to the State of Rock & Roll)

I gotta wonder what the Hell I'm doin
It's 5AM and my eyes are burning
Just one more post, but who am I foolin
The hands on my clock they keep on turning.

I'm goin mad, but I think it's love
But I could be crazy as the moon above
I'm on the edge, I don't need a shove
I'm addicted to this board at
Kissonline!

I used to be a good employee
I went to work and did more than my share
I come back home to my wife and family
But now I tell them I must go upstairs
Yeah then I disappear
Yeah I don't even hear

I'm goin mad, but I think it's love
But I could be crazy as the moon above
I'm on the edge, I don't need a shove
Don't tell me that it's late
I'm addicted to this board at
Kissonline!
Yeah I'm getting twisted
Yeah that's how I want to fry!

I'm goin mad, but I think it's love
But I could be crazy as the moon above
I'm on the edge, I don't need a shove
Don't tell me that it's late
I'm goin mad, but I think it's love
But I could be crazy as the moon above
I'm on the edge, I don't need a shove
Don't tell me that it's late
I'm addicted to this board at
Kissonline!
Kissonline!

NB. I'm not actually a recruit, I am a full blown MAJOR - awol

Greyzone
(KISS Army Recruit)
02/27/02 10:44 PM
Re: THE MONKEY ZONE!! [re: guitargirl]

Ya! No time better than a bit of the hair of the dog that served it to ya!

Now here's one for Gene! LOL Kwazi served this to one of the guests at the All Year Virtual Halloween Party!

Whatchu lookin at!? Yer eyes are funny. Do they always fall out like that? You had one black voodoo beer too many?

Speaking of eyes, I got a new one for ya, this one's better than saltpetre. Get an ironpot and crush 3 bushels of nettle leaves in it. Slice and dice some wormwood to confuse the obe woman, and a dash of St. Joesephswort, wine dipped and rum soaked. Throw in a handful of sulphur and throw in a match and run for cover! ((((((POOOOOOOOFFFFFFF)))))))))) When cool add a 1/2 pint of rubbing alchohol and for the real sizzle, drop in an eyeball, just like yours! Turn out the lights, light another match and toss on top of the refreshment, be sure to wear your shades for this! SNAP CRACKLE and POP What we got here is a "Porn Flake"
Get it?? Flake??? Saltpetre??.....No?....Me neither. Oh well.

greyzone
(KISS Army Recruit)
03/20/02 06:41 PM
10 Surefire Ways to Quit Smoking!!!

A couple of things:

1 - Do a top 10 ways to quit smoking!

2 - Do a parody on quitting smoking

3 - If your Scots, Dutch, or Jewish, remind yourself - bucks up in smoke!

4 - This is a sure fire one - kinda like the reverse of Pavlov's Bitch - anytime you get the craving coming on, or when you are doing something associated with it, like after sex, always have an ashtray full of butts, and breathe in....breathe out....breathe in....!

5 - Always keep a supply of old butts at hand to replenish the stale ones.

6 - See if you can get a bunch of butts smoked by women, especially with lipstick on it, it will divert your mind to more of your primal drives!

7 - At this point seriously consider doing a top 100 ways you would aggravate all those tobacco companies who put you here in the first place.

8 - Go for a walk and don't forget to bag up some old butts, but mind the cops don't see you snort, cause if you don't wind up in the tank, you'll nicely tucked in a white jacket, or maybe you should consider Betty Ford at this point!

9 - Forget Betty Ford! There's a guy who's just run a red light!! This is a perfect opportunity to release some of that pent up emotion! Give him the finger, he might just stop and you can beat the effin sh*t out of him!! Or if it's a woman......weeeeell!

10 - Read this every time you get tempted to light up!

Good luck Dudes!! Worked for me! LMAO

Greyzone
(KISS Army Recruit)
06/05/02 09:19 PM
Re: ~ Gene's LICK IT UP Diner ~ [re: thedemonsmonkey]

========Uh, no GZ, I don't wanna hear yer ideas on makin videos

If you ever change your mind DM, here's my card...*GZ's Flip Side Productions - You want the Breast? We got the Best*

Speaking of 'flip side', did I ever tell you about the KISS fan who was getting his Psycho Circus CD signed by Gene and says to Gene, "I liked the flip side best!"

ROCK 'M DED!!

Hey Ladies and Gents, or whatever! I know it's not amateur night or nothin, but I thought I could, like, tell a joke or something to offset the price of the meal.

Now get this, Gene and Peter were eating at the Lick It Up Diner, and Gene was having trouble concentrating on his double, chocolate fudge, demon's food cake. Space Monkey, the entertainment, was being terribly distracting. Gene could hardly control himself so he called to Peter, "Pass the saltpetre!" Saltpetre...get it?? Sheesh, what a crowd...

Hey, anybody here?? Woo hoo..

greyzone
(KISS Army Recruit)
02/24/02 09:31 PM
THE MONKEY ZONE!!

THE MONKEY ZONE!

"The time has come," D. Monkey said,
"To talk of funny times:
Of banana peels-- and carrot tops--
Of Sputniks-- and of rhymes--
And if the tourists just have nickels--
And why they don't have dimes."

"But wait a bit," the others cried,
They might have dollar bills!"
"I doubt it", said the Monkey gang,
They hang about 'No Frills'.
To get inside the Monkey Zone
They'd best be up for thrills!"

"Another song!", D. Monkey said,
As nice, as nice could be.
"A pleasure!", said the rhyme master
"The best, the best!", said he!
And opened up his Kiss box set,
And the gang all did agree!

Space Monkey was on the highest branch,
"I'm certainly not afraid of heights!",
She said while turning somersaults,
And laughed, "What gives me the frights
Is the sudden landing on the ground!
Now that would keep me up at nights!"

At the bottom of this marvelous tree,
The wabbit tends the veg and flowers.
"The carrots are quite strange this year!
Must have been these winter showers!
So very odd!" and preened her ears.
"They're so sharp and most peculiars!"

"Another tune!", they all did ask,
The song meistress, "Something sci-fi!"
Space Monkey will love it!
She can play it on her hi-fi
We will rock the "The Zone'
"Scuse me while I KISS the sky!!"

1218 is wabbit's friend
And joins this crazy gang for fun.
She's found out where the whip was hid,
And now that their gig's begun,
She cracks the thing on every beat,
And shouts, "It's better when they're young!"

Rumour has it they're not what it seems:
Sharpened carrots; hard pointed bananas;
Pens'r swords; whips'n things; monkeys wings!?
It rings of something decidedly ominous,
Possibly devilish, and impishly fun,
In the Monkey Zone where jokes are on us!

Greyzone
(KISS Army Recruit)
02/27/02 10:35 PM
Re: THE MONKEY ZONE!! [re: guitargirl]

Ok this one he calls, ""Red Archangel Devil Wort"

This is one he gave to the Darkone when he was poorly:

You still kickin after that little 'get better' potion? In case yer thinkin of another, Kwazi has been instructed to politely serve you a vegetarian cocktail. :-) Try this,
we call it the "Red Archangel Devil Wort". It helps Kwazi to remember what to put in it, which is: Red bee balm, with Devil's tree and Archangel stirred in plus a healthy pinch of Sticklewort! Add this to a tea cup of Newfie Screech and presto blasto!! If'n it don't cure ya it'll mercifully croak ya!

greyzone
(KISS Army Recruit)
02/28/02 09:19 PM
Gene Jokes!

Q. How can you describe Gene when he's doin his thing on stage?

A. Tongue in groove!

How about a Limmerick or two....maybe four....uh maybe....hehe

When Gene was looking for an investor
To finance his band Wicked Lester,
To get in a club
They signed it in blood!
Anything to get in with your sister!

Greyzone
(KISS Army Recruit)
01/22/02 08:52 PM
Re: LIMMERIX [re: thedemonsmonkey]

A limmerick

There was a strange man from Palermo
Whose name was Giuseppe Balsamo
He....

Cut! Cut! Wrong lyrics idiot! Turn the page!

OK! 1...2...3...4... hit it!

Now someone is trying to jerk us
Just cause we like Psycho Circus,
Fer callin us nuts
We'll sure kick yer butts
From Juno to Abilene Texus!

Greyzone
(KISS Army Recruit)
01/24/02 09:29 PM
Here's some controversy [re: thedemonsmonkey]

Some people think Gene is a pervert
Cause he's got pics of 4,600 skirt
They're probably just jealous
Cause he's not like us fellas
He's just an extrAvert!

Greyzone
(KISS Army Recruit)
01/24/02 09:39 PM
Won't he ever shut up? [re: Greyzone]

Whoa! Here's a coupla more.....

Now Mike has a hell of a time
Tryin ta keep The Demon Monkey in line
Give her some rope
Then give up yer hope
Yer crazy even to think of tryin!

!!!!!

In case you're drivin in yer machine
And you get hit by truckin Gene
Forget collecting
And count yer blessing
He he don't drive his limosine.

Now where do I get registered as a sheep??

Greyzone
(KISS Army Recruit)
01/25/02 07:46 PM
Sheep FAQ Limmerick? [re: thedemonsmonkey]

FAQ:

Q: What's with all the bleepin' sheep!?

A:

Drunk Bastard was told to go 'way
Cause he pissed off the peeps here one day.
But Monkey said no
You don't have to go
Now look at the sheeps fight and play!

then

You ask why we're sheep and not men. (women)
The answer is really quite zen.
When we were harrassed
Cause we kissed Gene's ass
We turned the joke back on them.

>}-)

Greyzone
(KISS Army Recruit)
02/25/02 09:18 PM
Re: THE MONKEY ZONE!! [re: thedemonsmonkey]

Awww shucks! I would like to thank all the members at Kiss Online for the opportunity to do this in the first place! And most particularly I would like to thank all those special people who, if it wasn't for their tolerance and patience, I wouldn't be standing here before you all!

I would especially like to thank the following people for their ongoing support either directly or indirectly who deserve this accolade as much as I do. Would you stand up and take a bow:

guitargirl, for humouring me when I'm blathering, and the big KISS!
KissVIP, for his talented inspiration! A wizard of parodies!
Christine15, for all the amusement without which I'd crack up!
spaceace1218, who helps bring out the l'il devil in me!
Stanleys_babe, for showing me what it takes to stand up to all this!
Alkyhol, a master of....ah, how should we say, "la finesse!"
R&ROVER, who brought true religion to this board!
Muttley & Dastardly, collectively sparked my wellspring of the absurd!
or
Dastardly & Muttley, ditto!
Roxx, my 'Down under Darlin'!
QueenOfTheNight, one of my first muses!
gimmiekiss, for being the very first one to say boo to me!
sweet pain, I aspire to your level of brain activity! How's the trailer goin'?
Lace, a master of the art of verbal abuse in a velvet glove! Too cool!
HAIL SATAN, for supplying a different perspective!
Picksnsticks, for fighting the good fight!
genesraccoonwig, for his persistence in correctly spelling "delete"!
The_Fringe_Element, An example that verbal dexterity can be used for the betterment of 'online'!
Drunk Bastard, Cheers mate, whatever chandelier you're swinging on!
To my fans all over the world too numerous to mention!

And of course, to my mentor and liege lord, HRH thedemonsmonkey, General KISS Army, who will likely have me up in front of the firing squad at dawn! AHHAHAhahahaaaaa......

This has been a thrill and an honour! LOL!

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